I wanted to have a little chat with you, after my little tirade the other day. It’s about this blog. It’s been a little dicey sometimes, I know, in the Self-Involved Department, and under the category that Maud labelled, years ago, “Those Are The Thoughts You Keep on the Inside.” (Oh, I love my kid!) That was a category that Julia always found amusing, and thought was particularly important for me, who can be an Infuriatingly Compulsive Communicator, Especially If You’re Not Really Into Communicating. (See this blog.) Anyway.
Just FYI, I got some pretty negative feedback from a friend, last week, about my writing. So I talked to Angela about it—about whether I should stop blogging—and she said two things. One was that the original intent of this blog was not to try to be profound, or to show off my brilliant writing skills. It was, as the tagline says, to write it down to figure it out. You see, I’m pretty blown away most of the time by being a human on this planet, and very often I feel lost and confused and really, really scared. But since I was a little kid, I found that writing it down—whatever it was, even a list—helped me. It helps with the panic about death and the worry that I’m a bad person and my feeling of being, from the beginning, abandoned and alone.
So that’s what this blog is about. Angela tells me that she likes to follow “my process.” I don’t think she comes here hoping to find the blogger equivalent of Chogyam Trungpa or Ernest Hemingway.
So that’s it. I know I get sad and self-involved and sometimes I say thoughts that I should have kept inside. I know that I can be a real downer, and that the old posts, from before the breakup, were much, much, much more fun. They were more fun for me, too. (The whole world was more fun for me back then.) I’m hoping to get back to that place at some point. Right now I’m just writing it down to figure it out. It helps me. I hope it can help you too, in some way, sometimes.