The Fight

Scout has been asleep on LB’s deep blue kitchen floor all day. I walked up the road and rented a post office box. Jotto sometimes barks at people walking by the house, and then he stops. I did laundry, including Scout’s bed, which he peed on when he was staying with his dog sitter, whom he bit three times. I hung my jeans on the picket fence. I checked my email all day long. I tried to stay awake, but fell asleep. Last night I felt like I was being poked with hot knives. Today I feel like I’m made of hot lead. The only comfort is the moments of silence, flecked with birdsong. I am lost.

I can find the Buddha in me (and in you), but more easily I find myself, at two or three, curled up on the stairs between my bedroom and my parents. I know this lifelong pain will never end.

(Photo by Sally Mann)

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